This is my blog right? Its my journal, my life, my ups and my downs. I hate that this post has to be down, but how else will I get my feelings across. I am sorry friends.
So here it is, me pouring my heart out, me asking God why? Me begging with God to please let me have a break.
On Sunday I had this weird feeling under my arm, I got to feeling around and found a lump. At first I thought nothing and then the more I felt it, the more worried I got. I called my sister, she said to get it checked and not to wait for my OB appt in June. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the doctors, NOT the doctors themselves, but going to the doctor? But Bob and I promised each other after his surgery that we wouldn't wait on things that may end up being something bad. And I am keeping true to my promise. I made an appt first thing when my OB office opened. But I didn't get to see my doctor. I went to the doctor where the doctor explained that she thought it may be breast related and that it may be cancer. I hate that word. My biggest fear is cancer. I left the office in tears, how could it be, I am 27 years old. I take care of myself, I do my yearly's, I do breast exams and I feel good most of the time. But I am sure thats the question everyone has, it doesn't matter if your 27, 34, 44, 50 or any number. It doesn't matter if you take care of yourself or anything. It happens, unfortunately more often than it should. I called my Husband who wasn't able to make it to the appointment with me and told them what they said, this of course was after blood tests and scheduling of a indepth ultrasound and mammogram. He said "Sierra, I don't know what to say!" And I said "Me either Bob, I am just asking why!"
So tomorrow it begins, my bump in the road to see what is going on, what is happening, if anything is happening and whether or not my life is going to take a turn for the worse or not. I am scared, I am anxious to have it over and all I can do is cry. But the crying is different, I am crying for my kids, my Husband, my family and wondering how this is all going to go down. I don't know details yet, I don't know anything, but what I do know is I am trying to prepare myself for the worse and hoping for the best. But I have this feeling, the same feeling I had when I knew Bob was sick, the one that made me go to his echo appt when I wasn't going to go in the first place. I have that feeling again. But the feeling is that something is wrong, but I will be okay in the long run.
So I guess my reason for this post is to ask for prayers, mostly for strength, I need that more than anything. I hate the unknown, I hate not having a plan, I am a planning person. Bob said tonite at the table "Sierra, its just another bump in the road and we'll get over it together." I remember being the person telling him this, I remember telling him that I wouldn't give up or let him give up and now he is telling me.