Just a thought!!

The Holidays are now in full swing...its obvious, the leaves have changed colors, people have put decorations up in their house, children are getting ready for the first of many holidays starting tomorrow with Halloween. This year, I just am not as excited as previous years...its been a horrible year, I have watched a friend suffer a severe loss and sat an cried with her just thinking about it, I have watched her son cry because he doesn't have a Dad to come to school and talk to his class about what he does. I have watched another really good friend sit beside her brothers side wondering when will be his last breathe and listen to her cry to me when she doesn't know how to tell his daughters that their Daddy isn't going to make it. I lost a good friend this year myself, someone I thought I could tell anything to, someone whose shoulder I could cry on when I was having a bad day or needed to talk to someone about something that was happening. I have watched our economy hit rock bottom, our gas prices sky rocket wondering how I was going to get to work the next day because I couldn't afford to put gas in my car. I have watched two great men run for President and have the hardest time making a decision that is going to affect me and my Country that I love so much. I have watched the news and seen people that are struggling worse then I am and wonder why I am worrying about stupid things, but still trying to figure it out. I listened to a dear friend at work cry to me when her son's best friend died and she struggled with getting him through this wondering why it happened. I watched my husbands Aunt cry looking at what was left of her house after some IDIOT decided that it would be great to burn it down and at the same time I thought about how thankful I was to have a roof over my head. I have listened to people talk about how much money their going to spend on Christmas, wondering how I was going to buy the things I wanted for my kids. I have cried many tears and had many sleepless nights this year, I have had many great moments also that I will cherish forever.

Is anyone else feeling this way? Is anyone feeling as overwhelmed this Holiday season as me? Is anyone feeling that it just doesn't seem right, like something is missing? Is it really just me?

Last week I was talking to a really good friend, she has known me since I was 2, she is my best friend Lindsey's sister, Deanne, she has a son that is handicap, Tyler. Tyler is in a wheelchair, he is completely deaf and blind, but he is the most adorable, fun loving child ever, he wasn't suppose to make it past 3 years old and he will turn 10 in November. He makes me smile when I am around him, he brings so much to this world, he is a miracle and God couldn't have picked better parents for him. Deanne is someone I look up to a lot, she has so much strength in her and the other day while I was talking to her I just bursted into tears telling her how I didn't want Christmas to come this year and wondered if we could just skip it...she said that I couldn't do that and she is right. She said..."Sierra, last year I was standing in line to check-out and this very kind old guy was behind me and asked me how my Holiday season was going and I told him that it was stressful." He said..."Ma'am, don't let it stress you out, growing up I taught my kids what Christmas was all about. They would get 4 gifts every year, something they wanted, something they needed, something to wear and something to read." This thought stayed in my mind for awhile, because its true, Christmas should not be about what you get or want, but about family and being thankful that they are still here to enjoy it together. I am so thankful I have my family here to enjoy the Holidays this year. I need to make a promise to myself to try and be more positive, because it seems that I have just been really down lately and at times find myself crying for no reason.

P.S. I have lots of FUN stuff to post, but I can't download any of pictures, but promise to have them up this weekend.

Fall into a pile of leaves...

Isn't amazing how a pile of LEAVES could entertain a child for hours....

I love it! Today the boys and I made a pile of leaves and the boys jumped through it while I raked it back up 40 times and took pictures. THE JOY OF FALL!!!!

Why Mom?

I remember having the why questions...why can't I go to my friends? why can't I go to the mall? why can't I go to this party? No these are not Jaxon's questions yet, but he does have the "why" questions. Yesterday he wanted to know if he could go for a bike ride by himself. I had to sit down and explain to him why he couldn't go for a bike ride alone. I think he understand, but he tried to tell me he was big and that he would be okay. I remember putting my Mom and Dad through this and its just so weird to think about it. Whenever I say something to Jaxon or he asks me something and I tell him he can't to do it, he says "why". Being a parent is a challenging thing, you never stop worrying about your kids whether their a newborn, 2, 4 or 24. I worry about what my kids will learn from others, what they will say, how they will treat people, if they will understand things, I worry about what they'll do when their older, will they drive fast or wreckless, will they wear their seatbelt, will they treat girls right and will they still love me no matter what. I know I control most of these answers, but the questions always comes back, am I doing it right? Is someone doing it better? What can I learn from others? Its crazy!

Today I took the boys up to snowbasin to take pictures in the leaves, I love the leaves, but their just not as bright and colorful as the past years. The snow did some damage, but I still love the fresh air and the wildlife.

Pumpkin Patch

Today I was brave and took the kids to Black Island Farms out in Syracuse, they have a ton to do. The only thing I didn't like is that adults have to pay and there is nothing for the adults to do except chase around their kids. We still had a blast though and took a hay ride and came home with 3 pumpkins.

"Mom, you have got to see this"

I LOVE IT!!!! Nothing more makes me smile more than when Jaxon brings home stuff from school and he is so excited to show me. Its the look on his face and then he has to tell me all about it, "Mom, I yearned (learned) how to blow a balloon up". So he made this pumpkin at school, its not your usual pumpkin, its green and it looks like its molding, but hey, he is only 4 and I think its beautiful...CHECK IT OUT!!!!

House Fire

Yesterday we went to Bob's Aunts house because it was caught on fire this past week by a 21 year old idiot from Canada. This has been pretty devasting for our family, but even more devasting now that we have seen the damage. Bob's cousin is the one who dated this guy and she is in pretty bad shape. Please keep them in your prayers as they have pretty much lost everything in their house and pictures and stuff CANNOT be replaced. To find out more or read about the story go here: http://www.kutv.com/content/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=3598e78d-4268-4183-bbde-29fc07fd1565

Why?

Does anyone else ever feel like when it rains it pours? Because I am and this has been the hardest 6 months of my life, can 2009 come ANY sooner.

I haven't posted much lately, I really don't know what is wrong with me, everything that could possibly go wrong is....people dying, losing good friends, family issues, trying to have another baby (wondering if I can have another baby?) and to top it off sick children. I am DONE, enough is enough!!

I read this thought a girl brought to work today and it totally opened my eyes (I will remember to bring it home to share). But the story was about seasons changing and how our lives are like seasons, things are always changing and to remember to live in the moment. Its a wonderful thought and totally open my eyes today. I really need to focus more on living life in the moment, instead of worrying about tomorrow or next year.

Thanks everyone for all the support!

My babies!!!

My boys are growing up right before my eyes, I sometimes just stare at them and can't believe how fast these last 4 and 2 years have flown. But I love every minute that I have with them and I would never trade them for anything else in the world. They complete me and they make my life so much joy even if they are "brats" sometimes.

Losing a friend

This week has been a hard week, honestly THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A HARD YEAR...

I believe I have felt every emotion this week, sad, angry, mad, upset, happy, used, strong, betrayed, touched, tested, thankful, shocked, suprised, aggravated, worried, relieved and last but certainly not least...EXHAUSTED! It has been a whirl wind of emotions and I feel so bad for my family because I know I have taken every bit out on them. I truly am so sorry!

I lost a friend this week (no she did not die) and really the story is the longest story of my life. But basically she betrayed me and lied and did some HORRIBLE things which leads to why my blog is private (to protect my family and myself). She was one of those friends that I looked up to, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, I have known her for 7 years (since I started at CITI), she was like a sister to me and I counted on her when I needed someone to talk to more than anything in life.

I guess this leads to a lot, I have found out who my true friends are and I would do anything for them and I know they would do for me in return. It just sucks! I really feel like she has died, thats how close we were and how big of a void in my life this is going to be. Its hard to explain, but it just plain sucks! I have cried so many tears this week and I just don't think I have any more to cry. Today I blew up at work, I couldn't take the anger and saddness that had built up in me and I lost it. Unfortunately this person was fired from work (and NO, I had nothing to do with her getting fired). She had done some REALLY REALLY bad things, I can't even begin to explain and furthermore cannot discuss. Some days I think it would just be easier for me to stay home with the boys and move into a smaller house and deal with having NOTHING when crap like this happens. I just don't know how to move on, I believe writing about it helps me, it helps me get out what I need to say. I just need to get past all of this, I want to be a happy person again, I want to be able to laugh about stupid crap again, instead of cry everytime of think of something different.

All I can say to people is make sure you get both sides of EVERY single story before taking action, otherwise you will probably regret it in the end.

Thanks for listening or reading!!!

PS: Misty's brother still isn't doing good, please continue to prayer for their family, this has also been on my mind constantly and it makes me upset to even think about. I know the prayers are being felt and there is a reason he is still here, so PLEASE continue them and thanks for the prayers.