My little PRINCESS!!!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

My little girl is changing so much! I have someone that is going to take her pictures professionally, but I had to take some myself. She has the hairest body, and it is so stinkin cute. I love her so much, she hasn't left my side since she has been home. I could sit and stare at her all day, she is absolutely beautiful and brings so much joy and happiness to our home. It amazes me how the boys act with her, they are in complete awe with her.

Happy 5th Birthday Jaxon!!!

I could post a million more pictures, but I am afraid I might be here all day.

So my big boy is turning 5 tomorrow, I can hardly believe it, it seems just yesterday he was born and now he is growing up right before my eyes. Jaxon is so intelligent, sometimes I think a little too intelligent, because he gets himself in MAJOR trouble. But I love the boy anyways!

Things Jax loves:

-Riding his bike and scooter

-Playing cars on the road map

-pretending he is a truck

-He loves all cars and trucks and can name every single one

-Dirt and mud (what boy doesn't though!!)

-playing in the water (this kid would take a 2 hour shower if I let him)

-eating (except he has became very picky lately)

-Hanging out with Dad doing guy stuff

-Going to Grandpas work

-And many more things I am sure I cannot name.

Happy 5th Birthday Jax, we love you!!

Love...

Yesterday, I received the news that I have waited two LONG weeks for. I know many people wait months and months, but these two weeks were the hardest two weeks of my life. I had every emotion possible going on and no one could say or do anything to make me feel better. But I know I had so many people praying for us and trying to keep my spirits up. There was nothing that I wanted more though than my baby girl to be home with us. It was not only hard for me, but for my boys too. Jaxon and Ashton didn't understand and there was no way I could explain to them what was going on. Ash would cry everytime I left to go to the hospital and that would always make me upset. One of the nurses had said to me on the phone one night when I had a breakdown that she felt bad for me, she said its like a baby jail. The babies are behind locked doors, we are told when we can and can't come, we are told how long we can hold our babies and we are told when they will go home. She said that she couldn't say anything to make me feel better, so that she wouldn't try, but to know that they care about us just as much as they care about those sweet innocent babies they are taking care of. She was right and I will leave it at that. So yesterday I got up early in preparation for my day, I couldn't sleep, I was sick to my stomach and I wanted to know what we were facing today. I went in thinking that once again, I wouldn't get to bring my sweet little girl home, but hoping that someone would tell me otherwise. Lexi had gone almost 3 days with no desats and she was eating so good. The nurse said to me.."I think you have a pretty good chance going home, did you bring her carseat?" I told her no, that I didn't want to get my hopes crushed again so I left it at home. She advised she didn't want to either, but that she was 95% sure we would be going. WOW!! So I sat and debated for about 30 minutes on whether I should get it or not. Bob and I finally agreed we would get it, but when we got back to meet the doctor at noon, we wouldn't take it in. We left for the hospital at 11:30 and didn't take the seat in, I had butterflies in my stomach, I was pacing the floor and I was HOT!! I kept looking at that sweet little face and a tear would roll down my cheek. The doctor arrived shortly after we did and she reviewed her paper work, said everything looked good, and she would be back. Can I tell you that the 15 minutes she was gone seemed like a lifetime. She came in and said.."Okay, I am going to discharge your little girl today!" and I about hit the floor. I couldn't believe it! I was so excited all I could do was smile. She said Lexi is doing awesome, she needs to go to the doctor in 2 days to see her pediatrician and then she would like us to get her heart murmur looked at Primary Childrens just has a precaution (Bob, my Husband has a VSD and it never closed).

So we finally ESCAPED and it feels great, but weird! I had to tell myself that Yes, she is HOME for good and YES I can do whatever I want to take care of her. And the best part, is the boys finally got to meet this little girl that we talked about for 2 weeks straight. Jaxon first said "Oh Mom, she is beautiful!" And Ash just completely adores her and is so over protective, he totally loves her and smiles when he is around her. They both cannot stop staring at her. I am so happy....FINALLY A FAMILY OF 5 and I love it!!!

Best new ever...

My cute baby girl is finally home...YAY!! Happy 2 weeks Lexi! I couldn't be more happy!!

If you fall down...GET RIGHT BACK UP!!!

Many people have probably heard that saying, I know I did several times when growing up. Its been in the back of my mind a lot lately. Yesterday, by far was the hardest day for me. I cried tears that I don't think I ever thought I could cry, I was mad, frustrated, upset, angry, confused and just down right not happy! I think I fell pretty hard yesterday, I came home and cried for about 2 hours straight that was after crying for an hour at the hospital. I cried so hard that you could see it in my eyes still today. But I realize that its the only thing that makes me feel better, its the only thing that lets me know that it will be okay. But after my 3 hour crying, I picked myself up and drove to the hospital to tell my baby girl goodnight. It was so much harder this time, because she was suppose to be going home with me. It was hard to look at that cute little face and leave and know that I wouldn't see her again until the next day. I hate having to leave her there, I hate not being to kiss her sweet cheeks whenever I want and I hate that someone is telling me what to do and how to do it. I JUST PLAIN HATE IT!!

Lexi is doing good, the only thing keeping her there is that she drops her desat (oxygen) once a day, ONCE A FREAKIN DAY and they won't let her go because of it. The doctor told Bob and I that he was 90% sure she would be okay, but he was leaning on that 10% and he wasn't comfortable sending her home. He said that he doesn't want that 10% to fall back on him and he would hate himself if it did. I understand this to a certain degree, but he also said, he wants her to go 3-5 days with no desat, so everytime she has one, we are 1-3 steps behind. Its frustrating, so frustrating that I finally blew up, she had gone 2 days with no desat and then yesterday morning had a small one where she recovered on her own. Its hard, its hard to think that that one thing is keeping her there. I hate feeding time and I shouldn't, I hate it because I worry if she is going to have a desat (since this is the only time she ever has them). Then the doctor told us that she could be there until her due date of June 18th and that is even more frustrating, how does anyone do this? Thats still forever away and I think I will be complete CRAZY by then. Its hard having to explain to my boys why she is in there. Jax said to me this morning "why is baby sister sick?" She isn't, she is not sick, she is just little and needs time to grow. Then Ashton crys everytime I leave, he wants to see his baby sister so bad, but he can't. He says everytime..."why Mommy, why?" This breaks my heart and makes it so much harder. All we want is the one thing we have waited forever for and that is for us to FINALLY be the family of 5. Today, we had Sister Stephanie come and give Lexi a blessing, I of course bawled my eyes out, but it was so beautiful and I pray it helps and hopefully she will be home soon.

This just plain sucks, I hate the NICU, I hate how nurses tell you one story, but the doctor another story.

I HATE this whole nightmare! All I want is my baby girl at HOME!!! I seriously have no more tears to cry!!

So much going on...

Yesterday we decided to take the boys to Discovery Gateway, Bob had gotten a free pass for the whole family to go and the boys needed something to keep their spirits up. So we rode Frontrunner down and ate lunch and then played. We had fun, and although I missed my baby girl, I was so glad to be able to spend that time with my boys. Things are going to be crazy once she gets home. They were both obsessed with the trucks and literally spent most of their time there. I didn't post all the pictures, I took over a 100 and just posted some of them.

Good News about my baby girl...she is tube free! Yes, that is right and she is so beautiful! She is eating so good that they finally took out the NG tube and I couldn't be more happy. She also is on her own schedule, meaning that they let her wake up when she wants to eat instead of waking her up every 3 hours. She is doing awesome with this and could quite possibly go HOME tomorrow, yes, thats right TOMORROW, if not then MONDAY! I am so proud of my baby girl! She truly has jumped some big hurdles in her short life and she has never given up.

One thing I have learned from this, is to have more patience. It has been so hard to leave that hospital after having a baby with no baby and go up there every 3 hours for her feedings. Its been exhausting and it always seemed like every time something good happened, something else would go wrong. I also have so much strength and admiration for parents that spend months doing this. I don't know how they do it! I also have a special place in my heart for those parents that have never been able to take their baby home, I can't imagine going through that. I have missed my little girl so much and having to spend a lifetime without them would be the most horrifying thing ever. I know I have said this before and I will say it again, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger and this has truly made me a stronger person. I have so many people to thank and there isn't anything I could do or say to thank all these people. I have an amazing family who has been there for me through this whole thing, watching my boys, keeping me together. I have a wonderful Husband who has been so strong even when he probably felt like breaking down. All the nurses who have cared for and loved my baby just like it was their own. My doctor, Dr Housel, who had to help me make one of the hardest decisions of my life. But he knew what was best for both my baby and me and he got her here safe. He is seriously the best doctor ever!! Also, all my friends who have sent text messages or messages online or left me messages with encouraging words, telling me never to give up! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

This has seriously been the longest 10 days of my life and I am so ready for my sweet Lexi to be home. I will post as soon as I know whether she is coming home tomorrow or not. Please pray she does good, I know she can do it and I know she is ready!!! Thank you!