Sometimes in life things go different then your plans. I've learned several times over the last year that it's not my plan, it's Gods plan. In a perfect world I'd have things so different, but this world isn't perfect and we all have to experience heartache and hard trials.
I've had a hard time with things. I wanted so badly for things to work with Texas. It was a dream, I wanted to experience life outside of Utah. I wanted my kids to see another place and culture. But I never thought about how hard it would be and how much of an adjustment it would be. I wanted a perfect story.
I've struggled over the last little bit with the decisions that I made. I'm a person that likes to live with no regrets. I don't like to regret things that I shouldn't. And while I don't regret my decision of moving to Texas, I do regret who I let live in MY house while I was gone. I'm disgusted that someone could do what they've done to my house. I'm disgusted that people are so sickening and horrible that they do what they've done. I'm angry and pissed. I loved my home, it's where my family lived for 5 years, we had good times, bad times and some of the best memories in that house. I brought my little girl home there. I watched my boys learn to ride their bikes there, I went through the heartache of watching my husband fight for his life there, surrounded by some of the most amazing neighbors ever. I watched my kids grow up, learn, play in a safe neighborhood and grow there. My world seemed perfect there and someone has destroyed that place I called home.
I hate this feeling and the thought that I've lost a place I love forever. There is no turning back, there is no fixing what is ruined. I've had to rely on The Lord so much to carry me through the days where giving up feels like the only option. I've had to give it all to God and realize that although this is not the rode I would've chosen, it's what God has chosen for me.
The nights when my four year ask why we can't live in "our house" are the hardest. I can't explain to a four year old why she can't have her bedroom back that daddy painted pink just for her or why she can't play in her backyard where the world was just right or why we can't walk from our house down to the park with the blue slide. It's hard. I just trust that The Lord knows what is right for me and when the timing is right I'll have that place to call home again. Until then I'll continue to do what I need to.