Its easy to sit here and reflect all the places I made mistakes this year, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do.
This year has been hard, I've struggled a lot with things. Then I think about how rewarding its also been. I found God, I got baptized and I was able to come home. Then it hits me, my home was destroyed and taken away by someone I thought I knew. She took something from me I'll never get back. And then I'm in tears and there is nothing anyone can do or anyone could say to take the pain away.
I miss the place I went home to after a long day of work, the place where I knew I was safe and comfortable. The place I could go to laugh, smile and cry, the place I loved and made memories.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I can't figure it out and the more I think about, the more sick I get. Why didn't someone stop me? Why didn't someone tell me there was something better out there for me?
I'd like to think its a perfect lesson that I guess I needed. God gives us what we need, not what we want. I get it.
But how does it make the pain go away of missing something that you want so badly back? How does it take away the pain of knowing that that place will NEVER be what I call home again? How does it makes thing better?
And then my sweet child whispers, "don't worry Mom, we'll find a new home!"
Its Christmas and although I love my parents and am so thankful to them for letting us stay in their house, its hard NOT to miss having my own place to go home to after a long Christmas day, a part of me feels homeless and I wonder if the pain will ever get better?