Wednesday, April 3, 2013

So many emotions

My life has definitely been a rollercoaster ride lately.  Some days I feel fine and like I can take on all these changes.  But MOST days I feel overwhelmed, broken, sad and a big huge emotional wreck.  I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, think about anything or go anywhere.  I'd rather sit on the couch and cry. 

I was so strong when we first moved.  But I keep thinking.  Thinking about Holidays, all the things I miss, my Mom and her health, my kids missing out on being with their Grandparents, not seeing my Best Friends daughter grow up, worrying my sister will get pregnant and I won't be there.  I keep thinking about the summer and the trips to the lake we would make every weekend, where we would spend hours on end just playing in the water or sun bathing.  I miss it all already.  I miss going to see my Mom, I miss my kids being at her house before and after school and Lex all day.  I miss chats with my pod partner at work, someone who knew me and I knew them.  I miss the look of the mountains out my front door even when they were covered with snow.  I miss SPRING in Utah, the smell of flowers and the green grass.  I miss my hair not being oily constantly.  I miss feeling normal.

So why did I move?  That's what I've been asking myself for two weeks now.

I moved because there is no opportunity to grow career wise in Utah.  There was no where to go but backwards, it meant pay cuts, seniority loss and finding my way in another place.  Yes, I'm finding myself here, but I know the majority of the people I work with, only difference we are seeing each other face to face. 

I also moved to show my kids another place, yes I could've done that in Utah.  I've learned Utah is very sheltered.  Did I hate that?  No, I actually miss it.  I miss not having to explain many things to my kids that I have had to since I got here.

Another reason I moved is because I knew Bob and I needed to figure out this CRAZY thing called LIFE together, give us an opportunity to lean on each other and rely on each on a little more.  Before I had my Mom, Dad and Sister, now its BOB AND I.  Do I like this?  Well some days, but most days I hate it. 

The truth is, I need to do this.  I have to do this.  This is my new life and I have to get over the fact that its not going to change back. 

My new life will give me a whole new perspective on life.  I will be stronger, I will learn things I didn't know, I will grow and my love for my Husband will be better than it ever has been.

So I'm learning to be patient with myself.  My emotions are normal, what I'm feeling is normal, so I'm told.  I'll have really good days and REALLY bad days.  On the bad days I need to pray, PRAY MORE, WORRY LESS.  I also have to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, I'm here because this is where God led me.  I will see my family and friends and it will just be more meaningful each time.  My time with them will be precious and I'll soak in every minute. 

My advice to whoever reads this blog.  NEVER EVER think that where you are one day will be where you will be two or three months later.  A year ago, I would've never thought, I would've never even guessed.  This decision has been THE hardest decision next to having to decide for my daughter to be taken 6 weeks early from my body. 

Oh how true this is, I want to live with no regrets and right now that's my biggest worry.  Bob and I always have a five year plan.  Five years ago this last Christmas we said we'd figure out if Roy was where we wanted to be.  SO I'm giving this five years, if I hate it, home I go.


And I'm gong to be patient, with myself and my emotions, God isn't finished yet.

And read my scriptures and strengthen my faith in God and know that he loves me, because God is good.

1 comment:

Sunset Stanley said...

I'm so proud of you! I know that it's been a struggle and not a lot of people could move to another state like you've done. You & Bob had to decide what was best for your family and act on it. Like you said, you can always come back!