One Week

Wow, its so hard to believe that sweet Lexi is a week old already. I am so in love with this girl, its amazing how much you can love a child even if you only get to see them for 2 hours a day. She has overcomed so much in her short life and she already makes me proud to be her Mom. I just cannot wait to get her home and snuggle and love her.

Lexi is doing good overall, she isn't eating well still, but thats to be expected as she is still early. She turns 36 weeks gestation tomorrow and I am hoping to see some lightbulbs come on. She has drank 32 cc's on her own, but then gets pooped out. She is off of oxygen and keeping her stats really good (I hope I didn't speak too soon!).

As for me, I am taking it ONE day at a a time, I find it harder and harder to leave her everyday, but I am making it and know its for the best. I figure if this doesn't kill me (which it won't) it will make me stronger. I still cry about 2-3 times a day, I just miss her and I just want to love her all day instead of every 3 hours for 30 mins.

As for my sweet boys, they are adjusting okay! I came home the other night from an 8pm feeding and this is what I found. They have bunk beds and Jax was so tired that he passed out on Ashton's bed. Yes, those are purple sheets, only because his sheets on in process of being washed. I promise thats not what is normally on his bed.

They still haven't gotten to see Lexi but in pictures, this has been hard too, because I have to explain to them why I am leaving, yet they haven't seen the proof that she is here. Jaxon asks me everyday how many more days until she gets to come home. I don't know what to say and that is usually when I breakdown. Ashton on the other hand, just talks about Lexi non-stop, he tells everyone that he is a big brother and he has a baby sister. It is so cute! I love my boys and without them, this last week would have been an even bigger struggle, they seriously have lifted me up so much.

How could you not....

LOVE THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE....

Lexi is seriously the light of my life, she is such a strong girl.

Today, we had our ups and downs, her heart rate dropped a couple of times and it was a little scary. They said if it keeps doing that, they will have to give her caffeine. But she did eat a lot better today, she nippled 20cc's this morning and 17cc's at her 5pm feeding. I try not to get my hopes up though, because it seems like one thing gets good and something else goes bad. She is back on oxygen, but that is the least of my worries since she can go home on that. Overall, I feel she is doing good, the doctors don't say much and its kind of irritating.

As for myself, well I am doing okay. I still have my breakdowns and the littlest things bother me. But I am hanging in there and trying my hardest to stay strong, I know I have too. I just wish I had some answers as to when she will be home, it sucks not knowing. I figure its about 2-3 weeks out and I hope only 2-3 weeks, its going to be the hardest 2-3 weeks of my life though.

It won't be like this for long...

I wish I could say this was easy, but its not and I have found that the only thing that keeps me calm is listening to music, my two favorite songs right now are It won't be like this for long, sung by Darius Rucker and then My Little Girl by Tim Mcgraw. I have to remind myself that it won't be like this for long, soon she will be home in my arms and I will be able to look at her and touch her whenever I please. She is absolutely beautiful and everything I dreamed of and more...

I find myself breaking down at the weirdest moments, like tonite at dinner, I just knew something was missing, she wasn't there. Or today when I went to the store and seen someone carrying in a baby carseat and knew that I should be too. Or after I called the nurse today to check on her, I lost it, because I miss her so much, her cute little face is on my mind 24/7. It won't go away and I don't want it too either.

Lexi is doing okay, she doesn't care to eat, she would rather sleep through her feedings than eat. Today at the 2:30 feeding she acted like she wanted to eat and was all awake and bright eyed, but wanted nothing to do with eating after about 10 minutes. I am told this is perfectly normal until 36 weeks gestation, she is 36 weeks on Thursday, so I am praying this gets better with time. Its hard, I told myself I could handle a week, but I really think its going to be 2 to 2 and half weeks before she is home. This routine is crazy, her feedings are 5:30am, 8:30am, 11:30am, 2:30pm, 5:30pm, 8:30pm, 11:30pm and 2:30am. I stay home for the 11:30pm to 5:30am and go to all the others. They last about an hour to and hour and 15 minutes. It is so exhausting, I have no time to eat or breathe, I get home and turn around and leave again. I took the 5:30pm feeding off tonite to spend with my boys and have dinner with them and of course it was the hardest thing ever.

All I know is that life is crazy and I CANNOT wait for it to get better. I will keep everyone updated. Thanks for the uplifting comments, they really do help!

My Sweet Little Girl

First of all, thanks Jen for keeping my head up, you are so right, you truly don't know how someone feels until you go through it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I am still struggling a bit today, I think I cried more tears last night than I have ever cried in my whole life. Its just so weird to be in this situation, you see and hear about it everyday but you never imagine going through it. I never thought my baby would have an NG tube, I never thought that she would be hooked up to all those monitors, I never thought I wouldn't get to hold her when I wanted and I never thought I would be told what to do and not to do. This seriously is the hardest thing ever and I have to keep telling myself that everything will be okay, because it will. She is strong, she is a fighter and she is my little girl and I have got to do what is best for her. I realize that staying here in the hospital is what she needs even with as hard as it will be, I have to do it. And I have to stay strong for her, I have to be brave and I have to let her get better, its the only right thing. And as hard as it will be, in the end, I will have no regrets. I also have so much support behind me, I have a loving Husband who is just as worried as me, but continues to be my rock and support and shoulder to cry on, he lets me cry when I need to and tells me its okay, because it is. I have a Mom who has strength like I wouldn't believe and I admire it, she keeps me going and tells me its going to be okay, because it will be. I have a sister who cares and went through this whole experience with me, she continues to lift me up when I fall. And most importantly I have two amazing little boys waiting for me to get better and to keep me going everyday. And I have a little girl that needs me to be strong and fight with her, not just for her. She is my inspiration to stay calm and not breakdown or cry 24/7.

All I can say is....I know I will make it, ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

P.S. Lexi is back on Oxogen, but she is doing good with feedings, we are up to 19cc and she looks wonderful. I am going home tomorrow, but will be up here every 3 hours for her feedings during the day from 8am in the morning until 8pm at night, its going to be rough, but I can do it.

Struggling

I can't tell if this emotional stuff is because I just had a baby or not, but I am struggling so bad. I don't ever remember feeling this way with Jaxon and Ashton, maybe it was because they were there with me and I could touch them and feed them and love them. This has been a whole new experience and I hate it! I finally sat down with the neonatologist today to ask them what was wrong with her, I guess I didn't have my self prepared for what was going to be told. WOW!! I was told that Lexi wasn't breathing so they had to excubate (not sure that is the right word), but basically they had to help her breathe. They also said that they had to give her some drug because she stopped breathing. This is the hardest thing ever, it makes me wonder how people do it and now I look up to these people more than they will ever know. I know that Lexi is NOT the sickest baby in the NICU and I know that with time she will get better. But I never imagined carrying a baby for almost nine months, delivering her and leaving the hospital without her. But I guess I have to come to grips with the fact that it is going to happen and it will be for the best. Okay! Enough of my pitty party!!!

Lexi really is doing good, of course feedings did not go as expected, but I am not one to give up and neither will she. We will try again and eventually it will work out for the best. She is down to 5lbs 15oz, but still cute as ever and I love her more and more each time I see her. She will more than likely be here after I go home, I guess its better for me to think that way then to assume she will go home with me. Its hard, but I realize that I need to bring her home healthy and happy!

My boys still haven't gotten to see her, other than pictures, it sucks, but I understand that too. Jaxon keeps telling me that he just really wants to see her, soon enough and I cannot wait to see what they say and how they react. I miss my boys so much, its one of the hardest things about being here also, I feel lost without them, but I know they are being taken care of very well and spoiled rotten. They both got a haircut, Ash looks so grown up now and they both got new shoes that they are loving. Thanks Mom and everyone else for taking such good care of them and loving them while I stay in the hospital.

My Little GIRL

Alexia Marisa Clemments

Our sweet little girl made her way into this world 6 weeks early. Yesterday, May 12th, was one of the longest and most challenging days of my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. On Monday I got the worse pain in the whole world, a pain that is so undescribable and I knew something was wrong. So I called my doctor and he said to get to L&D immediately, so I did. We had determined that the pain was due to my incision and we didn't have long to make a decison on what we were going to do. So one minute I was going to the OR at 3pm and then next minute I wasn't, then the next minute I was going in the OR at 7pm and then I wasn't. They decided that night that they wanted to run some test to make sure the baby would be okay. Well the first test would only be 4 hours and then the other two would take about 12 hours. Well the first test came back inconclusive, meaning that her lungs weren't showing mature, but not premature either. So it was a little iffy and they decided to wait until the other test came back. So the following morning, I got a 4d ultrasound done much like the targeted ultrasound that Circle of Life does at 20 weeks. It showed that everything looked good and she was showing a couple weeks ahead. But we hadn't gotten the other two results back yet. So we headed back up where I was told that no matter what I would not be leaving the hospital until I delivered the baby, whether it was two weeks away or 1 day away. So I brought myself to terms that this would be my new home for awhile. Around 1pm we got the results from the other two test, one showed that everything was fine, her lungs were mature and she would be fine, the other showed negative, not a low negative (meaning that it was border being positive). We then were told we would be meeting with the neonatologist and he would help us make a decision. We met with him at 3:30PM where he told us what "could" happen either way. Our two decisions were this: A- Have her taken c-section, take the risk of her lungs not being developed, but know that they are 85% sure that they are developed and its easier to fix a premature baby then the next opition. B- Take the risk of ulteris ruptoring and both of us dying.
When your faced with those two decisons, it is the most horrifying thing on earth. I just remember me and Bob looking at each other knowing we had no choice but for her to be delivered. So we headed up to our room, called family and everything. We went from going in at 7pm to not being sure. But the good stuff is that, Lexi was welcomed into this world at 12:14am on May 13th, 2009 weighing 6lbs 8oz and she is the most adorable thing ever. She struggled with breathing at first and because she was born before 36 weeks they will keep in NICU until we know she is VERY good. She went off of oxegen this morning, which is great and I got to hold her for the first time. It was the best 20 minutes ever. Jaxon and Ashton haven't gotten to see her at all, because they don't allow people under 18 in the NICU, which is understandable. They keep asking about her and I miss my two boys so much. I will be in the hospital until Saturday or Sunday, its all depending on how everything goes. I will keep everyone updated on Lexi's condition, just pray that she gets to go home healthy and happy with us, I can't imagine having to leave this hospital and no baby in my arms. Thanks everyone!!!

My Mom

There is so much I could say about my Mom, but I would probably be here for awhile, so...

My Mom is my best friend, I look up to her so much and I probably don't tell her enough how much she means to me. She is the strongest person I know, she has been through so much and yet she never gives up. She is my rock, the person I look up to everyday and the person I call when I need someone to listen, because she does. She has been there for me through everything, she supported me in all my sports that I played, all school activities and everything else you can imagine. She has never missed anything. My Mom got to go in with me to the OR when I had Ashton and it was the best gift I could have ever given her, she held my hand and she cried with me when we heard Ashton cry for the first time. She loves her children and her grandchildren so much, its hard to even put into words. I know there is more I could say, but like I said, I could be here all day...So Happy Mothers Day MOM and THANKS for never giving up on me and loving me and my family so MUCH. We love you and we will get through these next 3 months!!