Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Letting go...

My life has been filled with so many emotions lately, emotions of all sorts from happy to sad to angry to anxious to scared to YOU NAME IT, its been there.

This moving has taken things to a whole new level.  I've had to think about a lot of things and some things I can't think about without crying.

 I can't just go to my Mom's house when I want to just talk to her, I can't ask her to come get Jaxon when he is having a meltdown and hates me, I can't have her watch my kids while Bob and I go to dinner, I can't show her something I did when I move to Texas.  Everytime I think about these things I bawl. 

I also cry everytime I think about the memories my Sister Miranda and I have made over the last 4 months.  We've had our ups and downs through life, but we have been the closest we've ever been over the last 4 months.  Unfortunately I screwed up and chose someone who wasn't important to be in my life over my Sister and I am still hurting over it.  I chose someone who talked crap everyday about my Sister and other family members and I can't believe I stooped that low.  I  chose someone who didn't care what happened to me, who thought I made up everything about my Husband and daughter and was NEVER there for me....over my Sister.  I don't know why I did this, I will NEVER do it again.  I've learned so much.  I've learned that your family members are the ones that will be there for you when you need someone the most.  I've learned who my TRUE friends are and even if I only have 1 or 2, they still mean the world to me.  And I know they are TRUE friends, they would be there for me any day, not just when its a convience for them.

I've also done alot of crying over the friendships I've built at work, some of my closest friends are ones I work with.  Its hard to let go and move on, I want to take every single one of them along with my Family with me.

But I can't...

I need to grow, I need to rely on Bob and Bob needs to rely on me.  I need to teach my kids that FAMILY (US FIVE) is the most important thing.  I need to teach my kids day to day things about life.  I need to know that its okay to take my daughter to someone else to watch, I need to know its okay to let my children have a little bit of independency.  All these things are hard, they are hard to gather, hard to let go of, hard to grasp and thinking about them every single day is exhausting.

I'm ready for this, I'm ready to adventure out with my family.  I'm ready to take this full on, but I'm not ready to let go of the memories of Utah, the place I've called home, the place where my Family is, the place my kids know, the place I've loved and grown in for over 20 years. 

But I have to.... and there are only 66 days left, I can't believe it.

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