Lifes Lessons

Somedays I feel like I am doing something wrong as a parent. Somedays I look at my kids and wonder where I went wrong when they act so bad. But I am not perfect and parenting doesn't come with a manual, no one tells us how to raise our kids.
Normally I can read my kids pretty well, I can tell what their mood will be for the day and how to approach them. But lately I have been struggling with Jax. I haven't ever really gone into detail on what has gone on with Jax, because for a while I wasn't sure I wanted to share.
Jaxon was the easiest baby ever, slept through the night at two weeks, no joke! He never cried, was the best one and two year old ever. I thought the term "terrible twos" was a lie, that's how good Jax was. But something changed when Jax turned 3, no joke that day! He went from sweet, loving and innocent to tantrums, "I hate you" saying and pure anger. It was like he was mad at the world. This went on forever and I would find myself so frustrated and mad that I didn't know what to do. I kept hearing "its just a phase, he'll grow out of it"m. But when? I missed my baby, I missed his sweet personality. I went to several doctors and counselors looking for answers. They always said " focus on the positive and get rid of the negative". I did it. And nothing... There were times when I felt like someone had taken my son and brought me this child I didn't know.
Then summer of 2009 came and our world came crashing down. Jaxon started hurting himself and I worried big time. He left marks on his face and would hit himself. When we found out Bob may not live, Jaxon got even more angry. We never came out and told Jax what could happen, but I guess he sensed it. To this day I will never forget my five year old telling me that he didn't want his Dad to die and saying he would be good. This is when Jaxon started to change again. He went from mad and angry to an emotional wreck, which he had every excuse to be. But Jaxon lived in fear everyday that he may not see his Dad tomorrow. He would ask questions that almost made it seem like he was listening to Bob and mines conversations at night and I didn't want to talk to him about it until we had all our answers. We sat him down one night and told him that his Daddy was sick and that the doctors would make him better. The look on hus face was heartbreaking, he didn't know what to say. But I wrapped my arms around him and told him everything was gonna be okay, not really knowing myself. The next few days were hard for Jax, I would love to know what he was thinking or wanted to say, but he kept to himself.
I had asked my parents to take my boys out of town, I didn't want them there worrying about their Dad and not be able to do anything. It was the day Bob had surgery that they left and oh how I wish I wouldn't have made that decision. I needed my parents that night and I needed my boys to know that I had a reason to be where I was. I thought I was going to have to have my parents drive back from yellowstone so that my boys could say bye to their Dad. But I didn't!
When Jax got home he just stared at his Dad, he wouldn't touch him, afraid he might hurt him. Jaxon conitnued to show all kinds of emotions, sad one day, mad the next, happy, angry at the world and so on. It was hard on me! I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering what I was doing wrong! I finally made another appt with Lex doctor who wanted to run tests, explained to him what was going on and how Jax had drawn his Dads scar on himself at school for his person they drew and then crumbled it up and threw it. He was mad! The last thing I wanted to do was medicate my child. I didn't want him to have to rely on medication. And it took months and months of thinking and praying answers and it wasn't until I went to this doc my sister works with that talked to me and understood how I felt. Jax was diagnosed with an anger/anxiety disorder, he is not bipolar, that's exactly what I thought it was. The truth is that just struggles emotionally sometimes, but I love the kid so much and watching him hurt and not be able to control his emotions was hard. So we put him on medication and immediately noticed a difference. We could talk about how he was feeling and he can tell me what is wrong. My Son is so intelligent and he though he struggles at times to find himself, I always remind him that he makes me proud. I have grown because I have him in my life. He is a loving child, would do anything for anyone. He just needs extra love!
But lately Jax has been struggling at home again, he says we hate him and all these things. What he doesn't realize is that I love him so much that seeing him hurt hurts me. Yesterday was a bad day, he struggled and had the worse day ever. I just don't get it, I would love to think this is normal, but it isn't. Then last night we layed in bed together and he was a whole new child. I called my Mom bawling, because I am not sure where to go from here.

Family Get Together

These pictures bring tears to my eyes, because I honestly can't remember the last time all my Mom's siblings were together. It was a great night and tons of fun to get everyone together.

My Aunt Michelle and Uncle Dennis live in Arizona, so we never see them. But they came up to get my Grandma who has been really sick to move her down there. So we all got together.

The sad thing is that the night ended with tears, because we don't know if we will ever see my Grandma again, her health is really poor. I am not very close to my Grandma, but realizing that someone may not live much longer and how short life is, you always want to make the best of it. I wish my family got together more often, we really did have a blast and it was laughter the entire time.

This little piggy went to market...

Petersen Farm Supply has 4 little piglets at their store on 1-93. My Mom does candles with her. So we hopped on over to the store today to check them out. And they are adorable, but will grow up to be 300lbs, no thanks!!!








And our fun was ended with this, when my Mom picked Rusty up and he pooped all over her. She laughed though!!!

Jaxon's Award

So I got Jaxon's award today and I am soooooo proud of him, I can't even describe it. I have a smile on my face that is so big. I knew Jax was a caring person and he has such a wonderful personality that I am so glad he is showing it at school. Jaxon, I will never be able to tell you how proud I am! Love you buddy!!

Relaxing weekend

Today we went over to the Ogden Parkway. I realize today that we all need to get bikes so we can go ride, its a perfect place for it. We had a little picnic by the river and then played at the park.



















Saturday, Lexi and I did some shopping while Daddy and Ash went for a drive in the old truck and messed around outside. Jaxon spent the day with Grandma. Later that day I took the kids down to the park. Lex has NEVER played at the park. She loved it!

Caring award

I got this in Jaxon's back pack yesterday, I pulled it out and immediately it brought tears to my eyes. Jaxon is really a caring child, he has a heart of gold. But I can't express how proud of him I am. He is very tall for his age, as a matter of a fact, he is off the charts on heighth. The one thing Bob and I have always told him is that his job is to watch out for the littlier (SP?) kids. I called him up as soon as I found it since he staying with Grandma and Grandpa and told him how proud I was. I then asked what he did and he said "Mom, remember how you told me it was my job to watch out for the kids that are littlier than me, thats what I do!" WOW!! I love that at such a young age, my kids are remembering where they come from and what they are told. It makes my heart melt!!!

Odds & Ends

I am a little behind...okay! I am way behind. I don't get sick very often, but guess what, I was extremely sick this past week, so I did nothing, but lay around, blow my nose (I know, not what you wanna hear) and drink lots of water. It wasn't fun! So here are some things that I wanted to post, not much and more to come...



Some fun last weekend at Syracuse Jensen park, letting the kids run wild with their friends!



I haven't quite figured out if my daughter is going to be a tom boy or what, but she doesn't believe in wearing shirts (blaming this on being the only girl and having two brothers) and she loves hats. Go figure, my boys hate wearing shirts and HATS!!! Either way, she still has a girly side.



And there is a little bit of proof to show you that my little girl is still a little girly. She loves her night gowns. This one is new and her Daddy specified that she had to have purple.