What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger...

I think I am still in shock from last week, everything that happened on Monday and Friday are just now hitting me. It seems all too real now and I am not sure whether to break down and cry or keep praying that everything works for the best. As many know from my previous post, Lexi has a heart problem and they think its a VSD that might need to be closed, we go to find out tomorrow. But the worse is that I wasn't prepared for what I would find out on Friday about my Husband. But let me back up a little so that the whole story is told. When Bob was younger he had a VSD, he went to Primary Childrens until he was 18, they had decided not to close it, but that it would need to be watched closely. Well my Husband being the stubborn and hard headed person he is, never went to the doctor. Well two weeks before Lexi was born he started having chest pains, I forced him to go by telling him that I couldn't raise 3 kids on my own and that he needed to figure out what was wrong before Lexi was born. When he went they couldn't find anything wrong on X-rays or anything. Well Bob told the Doc about the VSD and the doctor asked when his last ECHO or EKG was, Bob told him it had been awhile. So the doctor scheduled one for this last Friday. I decided last minute that I should go, its weird, I just had this feeling I needed to be there. I have never been to one, so it was pretty interesting. This visit was just suppose to be the visit where we see the technician and she does all this stuff to prepare for the cardiologist to read it and then we come back and meet with him. Well the technician left and came back 10 mins with the cardiologist, I was a little confused. But he sat down and talked to us, told us that he didn't know why my Husband was still a live, that his heart was pretty bad. He said that the right side of his heart is enlarged and pretty close to giving up, once the right side gives up, your basically dead, there is nothing that can be done. I couldn't believe this and now that I think about it, I didn't shed a tear when he told us that, it was the next thing he said that made me lose it. He told us that we weren't going anywhere and that further test needed to be ran, I couldn't believe it! I kept thinking, "Wow, am I okay to take him home?" "What will I do without my Husband?" "Will he wake up tomorrow?" All these thoughts kept running through my head and then I thought..."Well have made it this far and we are going to keep going!"
No one ever likes to hear the words this doctor said, no one wants to have to bury their spouse and raise their kids by themselves. I can't imagine going on without him, I can't imagine the people that do it, I can't imagine having to tell my kids that their Dad is not coming back. Its so scary! But we left the hospital about 2 and half hours and will be back first thing Monday to have a "BIG" meeting to get the plan in place and go from there. I would be lying if I said that I felt safe taking him home, because I didn't and I would be lying if I said that I have slept good, because I haven't and I would be lying if I said that it doesn't scare me to death, because it does. I don't know what is going to happen, I haven't a clue, all I know is that I have to prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best. I just don't know what I have done to deserve all these bad things to happen to my family. The saying "When it rains, it pours!" couldn't be more true. But what I do know is that I am so thankful that my Husband is still alive and that I haven't had to tell my kids that he is not coming back and raise them alone. I just wish I knew what was going to happen. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but I know that once again I will survive it and will be a strong person in the end. Bob is hanging in there pretty well, he did break down and cry on Friday while holding Lexi and said to me "Sierra, I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am here for you and my kids." It makes me cry just thinking about it, but its true and we will do whatever it takes. The boys don't really understand why Daddy has to go to the doctor and I don't plan on telling them anything until tomorrow after we find out whats going to happen. So thanks for listening and please pray and keep your fingers crossed for the best for both Lexi and Bob.