Many people have probably heard that saying, I know I did several times when growing up. Its been in the back of my mind a lot lately. Yesterday, by far was the hardest day for me. I cried tears that I don't think I ever thought I could cry, I was mad, frustrated, upset, angry, confused and just down right not happy! I think I fell pretty hard yesterday, I came home and cried for about 2 hours straight that was after crying for an hour at the hospital. I cried so hard that you could see it in my eyes still today. But I realize that its the only thing that makes me feel better, its the only thing that lets me know that it will be okay. But after my 3 hour crying, I picked myself up and drove to the hospital to tell my baby girl goodnight. It was so much harder this time, because she was suppose to be going home with me. It was hard to look at that cute little face and leave and know that I wouldn't see her again until the next day. I hate having to leave her there, I hate not being to kiss her sweet cheeks whenever I want and I hate that someone is telling me what to do and how to do it. I JUST PLAIN HATE IT!!
Lexi is doing good, the only thing keeping her there is that she drops her desat (oxygen) once a day, ONCE A FREAKIN DAY and they won't let her go because of it. The doctor told Bob and I that he was 90% sure she would be okay, but he was leaning on that 10% and he wasn't comfortable sending her home. He said that he doesn't want that 10% to fall back on him and he would hate himself if it did. I understand this to a certain degree, but he also said, he wants her to go 3-5 days with no desat, so everytime she has one, we are 1-3 steps behind. Its frustrating, so frustrating that I finally blew up, she had gone 2 days with no desat and then yesterday morning had a small one where she recovered on her own. Its hard, its hard to think that that one thing is keeping her there. I hate feeding time and I shouldn't, I hate it because I worry if she is going to have a desat (since this is the only time she ever has them). Then the doctor told us that she could be there until her due date of June 18th and that is even more frustrating, how does anyone do this? Thats still forever away and I think I will be complete CRAZY by then. Its hard having to explain to my boys why she is in there. Jax said to me this morning "why is baby sister sick?" She isn't, she is not sick, she is just little and needs time to grow. Then Ashton crys everytime I leave, he wants to see his baby sister so bad, but he can't. He says everytime..."why Mommy, why?" This breaks my heart and makes it so much harder. All we want is the one thing we have waited forever for and that is for us to FINALLY be the family of 5. Today, we had Sister Stephanie come and give Lexi a blessing, I of course bawled my eyes out, but it was so beautiful and I pray it helps and hopefully she will be home soon.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry, what a huge letdown to think you were so close to bringing her home and then not to be able to. That happened with Luke three times, I about died of shock when he really did come home, I wouldn't even pack all of his stuff until an hour before he left, I was so sure they were going to call it off again. I am so glad though that she is tube free, and you can see that beautiful face with nothing attached to it, there is not a greater feeling. I know the desats are so frusterating but at the same time it would be so scary to have something go wrong at home and have to do CPR on such a tiny baby. She will get there I bet they are just saying June 18th, but it will be before that, you are doing so great. Crying always helps me tremendously, don't feel bad about that at all, it gets rid of all of your anger and frustration, you are a wonderful mother, you can keep going a few more weeks....
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