Lifes Lessons

Somedays I feel like I am doing something wrong as a parent. Somedays I look at my kids and wonder where I went wrong when they act so bad. But I am not perfect and parenting doesn't come with a manual, no one tells us how to raise our kids.
Normally I can read my kids pretty well, I can tell what their mood will be for the day and how to approach them. But lately I have been struggling with Jax. I haven't ever really gone into detail on what has gone on with Jax, because for a while I wasn't sure I wanted to share.
Jaxon was the easiest baby ever, slept through the night at two weeks, no joke! He never cried, was the best one and two year old ever. I thought the term "terrible twos" was a lie, that's how good Jax was. But something changed when Jax turned 3, no joke that day! He went from sweet, loving and innocent to tantrums, "I hate you" saying and pure anger. It was like he was mad at the world. This went on forever and I would find myself so frustrated and mad that I didn't know what to do. I kept hearing "its just a phase, he'll grow out of it"m. But when? I missed my baby, I missed his sweet personality. I went to several doctors and counselors looking for answers. They always said " focus on the positive and get rid of the negative". I did it. And nothing... There were times when I felt like someone had taken my son and brought me this child I didn't know.
Then summer of 2009 came and our world came crashing down. Jaxon started hurting himself and I worried big time. He left marks on his face and would hit himself. When we found out Bob may not live, Jaxon got even more angry. We never came out and told Jax what could happen, but I guess he sensed it. To this day I will never forget my five year old telling me that he didn't want his Dad to die and saying he would be good. This is when Jaxon started to change again. He went from mad and angry to an emotional wreck, which he had every excuse to be. But Jaxon lived in fear everyday that he may not see his Dad tomorrow. He would ask questions that almost made it seem like he was listening to Bob and mines conversations at night and I didn't want to talk to him about it until we had all our answers. We sat him down one night and told him that his Daddy was sick and that the doctors would make him better. The look on hus face was heartbreaking, he didn't know what to say. But I wrapped my arms around him and told him everything was gonna be okay, not really knowing myself. The next few days were hard for Jax, I would love to know what he was thinking or wanted to say, but he kept to himself.
I had asked my parents to take my boys out of town, I didn't want them there worrying about their Dad and not be able to do anything. It was the day Bob had surgery that they left and oh how I wish I wouldn't have made that decision. I needed my parents that night and I needed my boys to know that I had a reason to be where I was. I thought I was going to have to have my parents drive back from yellowstone so that my boys could say bye to their Dad. But I didn't!
When Jax got home he just stared at his Dad, he wouldn't touch him, afraid he might hurt him. Jaxon conitnued to show all kinds of emotions, sad one day, mad the next, happy, angry at the world and so on. It was hard on me! I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering what I was doing wrong! I finally made another appt with Lex doctor who wanted to run tests, explained to him what was going on and how Jax had drawn his Dads scar on himself at school for his person they drew and then crumbled it up and threw it. He was mad! The last thing I wanted to do was medicate my child. I didn't want him to have to rely on medication. And it took months and months of thinking and praying answers and it wasn't until I went to this doc my sister works with that talked to me and understood how I felt. Jax was diagnosed with an anger/anxiety disorder, he is not bipolar, that's exactly what I thought it was. The truth is that just struggles emotionally sometimes, but I love the kid so much and watching him hurt and not be able to control his emotions was hard. So we put him on medication and immediately noticed a difference. We could talk about how he was feeling and he can tell me what is wrong. My Son is so intelligent and he though he struggles at times to find himself, I always remind him that he makes me proud. I have grown because I have him in my life. He is a loving child, would do anything for anyone. He just needs extra love!
But lately Jax has been struggling at home again, he says we hate him and all these things. What he doesn't realize is that I love him so much that seeing him hurt hurts me. Yesterday was a bad day, he struggled and had the worse day ever. I just don't get it, I would love to think this is normal, but it isn't. Then last night we layed in bed together and he was a whole new child. I called my Mom bawling, because I am not sure where to go from here.