Reflecting on a year ago

I had all intentions of writing this email on Saturday, but we are having a barbecue on Saturday and I want to make sure this gets on here.

It will be one year ago on Saturday that I looked at my husband who didn't have a scar and looked good from the outside, but was dying on the inside. It was one year ago that I kissed him goodbye as he went off to the OR for what I thought would be a short time. I remember the doctor coming in and saying that we would have 5 mintues together before they came and got him. I remember leaving the room as they wheeled Bob down to the OR, I had tears streaming down my face and I dried them off as I entered the waiting room. I looked at all the people and wondered what they were there for also. I remember clearly sitting in that waiting room watching the clock and every passing minute seemed to break my heart more and more. I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know if I would ever see him again or if he would ever be the same. I just didn't know! I sent my boys off that same day to get their minds off everything that was happening. I NEVER wanted them to see their Dad in pain or go through what he did. I didn't want my boys to have that memory. While I was trying to be strong and not worry about what could happen, all the emotions inside were building up and I couldn't think. My mind was trying to figure out how I would go on without my Husband, how I would adjust to life if he wasn't the same, what I would tell my boys and how we would do everything. I went over all these things in my head, I called family and friends and cried to them and as each hour went by, I worried more and more. When the OR nurse calls you, she doesn't give you much information, I knew nothing until the doctor came and talked to me at 5:30pm, it was 11 hours after Bob had gone to the OR and a little under 10 hours since they started the surgery. The surgery was not suppose to be over 4 hours, but they had no clue what was going to happen. The surgeron never ever thought he would be in surgery over 6 hours. When he came out and talked to me, I could see the concerning look in his eyes. He told me Bob was beaten up badly (due to being in surgery so long). I had been told 6 hours before that I needed to have someone come and be with me. I had gone down there by myself not thinking much of it. My parents took the boys out of town, my Grandma was on her yearly vacation to New Mexico and I had asked her not to come home, my Sister Autumn was watching Lex and I had told all friends that I would be fine and my Sister Miranda was working. So I made a phone call to Miranda, she is the one person I knew I needed if my Mom couldn't be there. I asked her to leave work and she did, it meant so much to me and she will never know how much it means to me that she came down to be there with me while I waited that long wait of not knowing what was going to happen. She sat there with me as the doctor describe to me what they did to my Husband and how bad of shape he was in. She sat with me when I received the phone call that my Husband was being taken back to the OR and may not make it. I cried and she let me! Looking back it seems like a nightmare, but its reality. I lived it and I remember it clearly. I remember the waiting, the pain, the tears, the worrying, the phone calls, the prayers I prayed everytime I walked up to the phone to talk to the OR nurse, the talk with the doctor, the call to Bobs ex to tell her Bob wasn't doing good, the call to Bobs best friend to tell him to get down there, looking at Bob the first time and dropping to my knees and begging for someone to please save my Husband. I remember driving home that night and praying and telling the Man above that I didn't want him to take my Husband, our lives were just beginning, I begged and pleaded. I remember during the time I kept asking WHY? I kept thinking "what did I do?" But WE didn't do anything and I realize that now, it was a test in life, a test of faith, it was what needed to happen and had it not, my Husband would not be here today. Its amazing how great technology is, its amazing what they were able to do to Bob to make things better. He feels like a whole new person and I think its great. I worry everytime he gets sick though or acts weird, but I don't think that will ever change.



This was Bob on life support the day after he had his surgery, its hard to believe he looked worse then this, but he did and unfortunately I still have that imagine in my head.


This is picture is right after Bob came off life support, he was still having a hard time breathing, but doing really good.


During our time of pain and hurt, there were so many people who reached out to help in anyway they could, mowing our lawn, bringing us dinner, taking care of things that I just couldn't do and helping with the boys and Lexi. Looking back, I don't think I could've done everything had they not been there. There was a time a nurse in our neighborhood came over to take Bobs blood pressure and listen to him when he was not doing good. She took time out of her day to come over for 30 minutes to a strangers house. I had so many people offer to watch my kids, that it felt amazing. I always knew that my kids were in good hands, whether it was at Grandma's house or a friends house or a neighbors house, they were always taken care of. We had people leave bags of goodies on our front porch and we would come home from a doctors visit to it. Or the time the Young Womens group in our neighborhood left hearts all over our door with a sign for Bob. Just the motivation to keep Bob going, all the prayers, all the text, phone calls and people who stopped by to check on him. We went through a roller coaster ride, but I finally feel like we are at the end of the roller coaster and things are coming together.


Bobs scar last year before surgery, he was pretty sad about it.


And his scar today, it looks so good. And hopefully he doesn't have to have it open ever again.

So how is Bob today? He is good, he has tons of energy, he doesn't feel worn out all the time, he has no chest pain and we still think its all amazing and feels like a dream. But its not!!! But today, we are stronger, closer and have learned so much about life.