Setting my emotions aside

These last three days I have thought over and over and over in my head about the news I got on Monday. I have replayed the words that the doctor told me over and over and over and over again. Its still fresh, sitting right there. Its hard to not think about what I just went through, all the tears I cried over the summer, all the long nights worrying about whether or not my Husband was going to die or live. I got down on my knees a couple of times and prayed so hard for someone to make it better. And I feel like I am doing this all over again.

Its hard not to think about what could happen or just might happen to Lexi, its hard not to think about all those things my Husband was hooked up to after surgery or all the tests that were ran 5 million times to find out if he was going to need a heart transplant or if they could fix it. Its hard to hide my feelings from my kids even though I am hurting so bad on the inside. Its hard to not just break out into a cry whenever I want to or cry at the weirdest moments or because I read a story that may not have been sad to others, but I am crying so hard my eyes are red. Its just plain HARD! I am trying to find the courage, strength and whatever else it takes to set my emotions aside, look at the positive things in life and live in the moment.

When I talked to the pediatrician the other day, he advised that he is fighting with me, not against me or for me, but WITH ME. I like that, he reassured me that he would make sure that my daughter was taken care of to the fullest. He called the cardiologist to see if anything could be done to determine what is going on with her tiny and sweet heart, what we could do to make sure she can live life to the fullest. So we are once again WAITING on that phone call. It could be next month, it could be next year (Thank goodness thats only a little over month away) or it could be middle of next year when we go in for a heart cath. I am scared! But I have to be strong for my little girl and keeping fighting with her. She is definitely my HERO, so much!!